Life Sentence

I realise sometimes when I talk to people about the things which I get giddy joy from, it sounds as though I only have any kind of history over the last 6 years.  I was not in prison prior to that. Somethings date back longer - the soon to be left workplace has been mine for 14 years, and the house I live in has been my home for 12 years.  But yes, everything else somehow seemed to start 6 years ago and I don't really talk much about what came before that.  But I've not been in prison, it just sometimes sounds like that when there's this gap, this lack of history of me before six years ago.

I've been riding bikes for years, but they were transport not fun from the age of maybe 10 when I first borrowed my sister's Raleigh Eighteen to do my cycling proficiency.  There was always a bike in my life from then right up to the present time but they were there to do a job, to carry me to work or to do shopping, heaven forbid there should be any fun in these times of austerity.  I think it was four years ago now I hired a hard tail at Llandegla for a ride with friends, and not long after that the Decathlon £100ish starter bike was purchased.  18 months now since I treated myself to Christine, the Boardman hardtail, and only last month did the first road bike, the Kinesis RaceLight come into my life.  The curious thing about starting to ride in mid adulthood is that I'm ridiculously early in the learning curve.  Everything is new, exciting and it's hard to express how much giddy fun it is, doing things that maybe others with a longer time in the sport take for granted.  I approach everything with the fresh outlook of a five year old, and it makes for incredible giggly joy.  I feel so grateful that I have this chance, and the untarnished first time experience of a child at this age.

Climbing only entered my life in 2006 too, and again, it's all about exploring, learning, enjoying, everything new and surprising.  Long distance walking, trekking, wild camping, kayaking, the list goes on and on and on of the things I have only found out about post 2005, embraced, made part of my life.  Maybe indeed made my life.  It explains my (hopefully charming) naievety and the sense of jubilation over new experiences and new discoveries.  It's how everything stays sparkly.

But I wasn't in prison before then, I was married.  Dave died in 2005, and I kept trying and trying at the things we did together as a couple, but as a single person they just didn't work, or maybe just didn't work for me.  The memories were perhaps too strong, where once there was joy and happiness, how could that be replicated with just one sad and grieving widow finding the contrast between then and now too hard to contemplate.  I didn't reject my past, not at all, I just explored me, got out, tried things, worked out what this one lonely woman could find some kind of delight or contentment or at least not an active dislike of.  Because the early days were really hard; finding joy of any depth or duration was never ever going to be possible, and simply finding distractions or brief interludes of less grief had to be enough.  It was a happy marriage, one where we both felt we never stopped dancing from the day we met in 1995 through to the rough times of terminal illness.  It took me a long long time to find happiness in being me, I was the world's greatest shallow facade for a long time.  The surface displayed a smile but there was vacancy underneath.  I'm different now.  My smile has depth and warmth and authenticity. 

It was a truly horrific, life breaking thing which happened to me, and in some introspective moments I do want to yell out at the unfairness of it all.  But you can't change what happened, and you can't find a reason for it, I learned that near to 7 years ago now.  But look at me now, in some ways I feel fortunate, because I've been given this chance to find out about me, to truly know me, to explore my life, what I want, what I like, what makes me happy.  I know how to be happy with me, and that's something which sometimes stops me in my tracks.  Stops me dead because I feel blessed by this opportunity, not cursed by my past.

And today, for contrast we're singing this ...