Left Behind

Battered.  I am driving my body quietly and at my own pace beyond anything I've done before.  And I'm shrinking.  Or at least weirdly independantly a number of my ex work colleagues commented on how tiny I was looking when I popped in for coffee this week.  My theory, which the bathroom scales at home support, is that I'm smaller without my job.  Not in a way that bothers me at all, but I no longer have to assert myself or take a lead on anything whatsoever.  I don't have to be a big person any more, nothing like larger than life, all I am these days is me.  And that's quite enough, thank you.  Sometimes perhaps a little too much.

Being away does odd things to your relationships with people.  In a lot of ways it does good things because it leads you to a point of absolute clarity as to what's important in life, and it is as ever it is, the people.  Which means I make a conscientious effort to maintain the valuable people in my life. Hard work sometimes, but good worthwhile hard work which is important to me.  Internet connections aside, I have time, and want to make the best use of the blocks of time I'm spending at home.  This has meant that from returning home on Sunday, I've done lots of things with lots of people, some really unexpected, things I didn't even know I was doing happened, and friends have also been making efforts to pin down my availability.  It's lovely, I feel somehow held, supported, some kind of metaphysical arms around me the whole time.  I'm humbled by my mates, truly grateful and truly humbled. 

Yet funnily, I'm itching to be on the road again.  Eager as the proverbial mustard to get over to the continent, with the ferry now booked for 31st October.  I carry with me the people who are important to me, hand luggage, not hold, I keep them close to my thoughts and to my heart.

Funnily enough, this song was going round my head today on the road ride with three guys.  Mostly because of the line "left behind" because as is my way, I was at the back.  But trying hard.