Time Bomb

I am on a campsite tonight near Lochinvar. There is a small sandy cove, sheltered and private. After sunset I walked along the beach, just on the edge of the tide, the occasional bat swooping nearby, the sound of the waves moving millions of grains of sand in a mesmerising rhythm. Breathing through my nose to savour the smell of woodsmoke wafting on the autumn evening air. I'm only slight, and a solitary figure in jeans and trainers, fleece hoodie with the hood up because of the slight chill on my neck, and a down gilet snug to my body for warmth. I'm walking incredibly slowly, pace after pace which could be soundless if there was anyone to hear.

A thought arrives, and I suspect it heralds change. I find the phrase “you can stop running now” writing itself in the sky and in the sand, and I feel the relief from the cold tired feet through to the tension in my jaw. I can stop running now.

When asked in the early days after Dave had died, “how's Alison?” my mum fell into the habit of saying “she hit the ground running and hasn't stopped”. Maybe now I can stop. Why couldn't I stop before? I didn't even know I was still phrenetic, running. And here's the thing. Most people who chuck it all in, make a change, travel do it because they want to run, to run away from something. Who would have known that I, as usual, have it in reverse, I want to stop running.

Then I'm walking still steadily, along the beach but now I'm crying, tears unstoppable salty as the sea falling down my cheeks and I'm crying, because I want to stop running but I don't really know how.

Chumbawamba didn't make it into the van music collection, mostly because in honesty their albums are on tape not CD, but also because they represent me of 20 years ago, and maybe that's not what's needed on this latest journey. The female singer has the most amazingly, distractingly sweet voice, and yet the lyrics so often contrast almost jarringly with the sweetness of the voice with the coarseness and brutality of the words and concepts. Time Bomb isn't the most extreme discords but it has an element of it. Check it out.