Friday, 19 April 2013

Words, Words, Words

How can a word like pulchritudinous actually have a nice meaning, and why does disingenuous have the opposite meaning to the one I think it ought to have.  Why would dyslexia have such a complicated name?  Who makes this shit up?

OK, I am going stir crazy.  Three sofa bound days, and now I'm on the third day.  I am no longer sleep deprived, the painful stiff leg having eased enough last night to let me sleep without discomfort and needing to change position, while knowing it hurt to move.  Unfortunately now instead of simply being tired, and in pain I've moved on to the proper trapped feeling.

It was strangely manageable while pain was ongoing, swelling was interesting and stiffness and knee giving properly limited me.  It was manageable through Tuesday sat behind a desk with ice pack and crutches, manageable Wednesday when the day was filled with a four hour dalliance at A&E, bearable Thursday when just walking the normal five minute journey to the chemist took hours to build up to and 35 minutes to actually carry out. 

Today though is misery.  I forget there is still a problem until I stand up, I want so much for it to be normal again that I keep trying and then I keep  yelping as the leg gives way or the pain reflex makes it double up and causes me to stagger or fall (nice bruise coming along on my right elbow as a result). 

A little bit of knowledge of my own internal brain mechanism helps but doesn't help at all.  I know that this exasperation and anxiety is lack of exercise.  The twitchy frustrated brain is messing with me, and no amount of attempting pull ups on the bannister is calming it.  However much I remind myself that it's simply a feeling, a transient emotion I can visualise passing by me, floating down the river, the feeling recurs and recurs and recurs.  I try distraction, I try revision, I try an online learning Spanish programme, I try TV, I try books, yesterday I tried baking, today I cleaned the wash basin, I sorted out van insurance. 

Where did I get this insanity, has that Quaker upbringing and ability to simply be still left me?  Be still brain, be still.  Be still.

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