Trying to somehow express what motivates me. What it is I'm doing with my life here and now, in the absolute and concrete present, and how that transitions through into the beautiful and enormous future. You have to remember that life does not start on 7th September (the day I leave this prestigious establishment). Life started some years ago, but in my reality, it starts each and every day. Life starts today, but it also started yesterday and will surely start again tomorrow. So, the burning aching drive is not something which is on hold, waiting, building and only coming into being on the 7th September. It is here now. The yearning is now, the feeling is now, the buzzing in my feet, the tickling on their soles, the pulse running down my neck, the molten lava in my belly and the lung stretched feeling in my chest is all now. It's not something I'm waiting for or building towards. It's now, and I'm not accepting compromise.
If I stop and say what is it I yearn for, what do I want, we're not talking the biggest chasm in the world between where I am and where I want to be (we're talking some kind of head stuff now not physical, OK?). I can see the place I'd like to be in and it's not an almighty step to get there, and progress begins now, not tomorrow. This, after all, is not a diet.
And if none of this makes any sense, perhaps this will:
The Invitation- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Last night I did the red run at Llandegla after work. One of the coaches at work suggested I came along and indeed drove me there, and we met up with a friend of mine (by arrangement), and did the run. The coach is young, fit, slim, skilled and has those calf muscles which should have immediately set off the alarm bells in my head over just how fast he was going to be. And riding with someone fast is good because I push myself harder. Which meant by this morning I was tired and faced the prospect of cycling to work as the logistics of travel yesterday had required my car to remain in the work car park.
Cycling tired, both mentally and in the legs is an act of meditation. I didn't notice the journey, not really one bit of the 50 minute pedal. But what I did do was draft a poem, and that somehow regained a piece of me who has been missing for a few weeks. Tapped into true strong feelings which is the only way I can write with fire and passion.
And today's song in my head features mostly the Spice Girls (I hold my head up high as I say this, and look you directly in the eye).
"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you want my future forget my past,
If you wanna get with me better make it fast,
Now don't go wasting my precious time,
Get your act together we could be just fine"
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