Loving Feeling

It's a funny thing the attempting to do a twice daily meditation, putting aside thinking and feeling and just being. Every time I gently pat the thoughts and feelings away and begin to concentrate on the breath coming in and going out I become aware of the background music in my head. It's this that is harder to shift. When I casually say there's always a song in my head, I hadn't actually appreciated it really is always. Yesterday was Amazing Grace. Today was You've lost that loving feeling. And I have no idea what it means. What does it mean? I suspect my sub conscious is fairly wise and insightful.

It's weird, because if I were Christian, I'd be offering up prayerful thanks to the appropriate deity right now for the things I have in my life. I really do feel a gnawing urge to humbly offer up gratitude and thanks to someone right now.

Today I'm thankful for all kinds of things.

I'm full of a sense of wonder about how sometimes things just fall into place. Spurred by text messages today from the friend who has my camper van. Once a colleague, now someone who is becoming a stronger friend almost daily. I am someone hungry for contact, and he is filling that void. The sense of wonder is three fold. I have two vehicles, a mini and a camper van and it makes me smile to realise how each of them is in use right now and how life's coincidences have made it so. The mini is with a friend whose mum wrote off one of the family fleet of vehicles only a couple of weeks before the van arrived. The van is with a friend who changed jobs, with his company car from the earlier job being returned two days before I flew to New Zealand. The third sense of wonder is my friend who e-mailed me a couple of weeks ago asking if I was anywhere near Nelson on 3^rd Jan. To which I was able to send her a copy of my hostel booking in Nelson on 3^rd Jan. I really do want to thank someone for these things in my life.

I have contentedly declared travel days just that, travel days. There's a searching, restless, desperate to make the most of her time woman within me that feels such days are a little “wasted” if I don't do anything. Except, I seem to be able to put her behind me. I think the genuine Alison isn't really that bothered, and can release some of the exacting standards she creates for herself. So, a change of mindset has already taken place, and travel days are in fact a thing of joy (oh, there I go with the joy word again). It is ludicrous with the size of pack I'm carrying to expect to be able to sightsee with that damn thing on my back. It would not really be that much fun. The rational being in me has accepted there isn't a good time of day to travel. There's significant bag carrying at one time or another so if the journey time is long, embrace the softness of the day, lie in the sun, read, keep that brain from getting into loops and indulge in coffee and savoury muffins.

Savoury muffins by the way, never came across these before. Not sure I want to return to triple chocolate ever again when I can get cheese, bacon and onion.

And in the park today, quietly reading, I chanced to look up and realise I was surrounded by tiny birds. Sparrows and others all around me, pecking through the clover. I stopped reading and just watched the birds and was grateful that I was there, present.

I met a welsh youth today, his third Christmas in the southern hemisphere. He was bar tending, and his accent was more Aussie than Wales. Sweet lad, no more than a child really, curly sun kissed hair, wiry surfer looks.

Christmas muffin. Yes, I have purchased a special something for my Christmas celebrations. It is tied up with shiny green and red ribbons and until I eat it, is the sole Christmas decoration of my room.

My room. I had booked into this hostel (I cannot believe how cheap 6 nights here are) at a cheapskate rate, into a mixed dorm for 4. I was happy with that decision. After all, you can't enter into these things and be too fussy about where you lay your head for the night. But when I arrived, Frank on reception advised me that although they had initially allocated me a top bunk in a 4 person dorm with two boys, his boss had moved me. So here I am, lady muck in her single room. It's about 6 foot by 4 foot and goddammed perfect.

Rotorua. Beautiful town. I can see hills at the ends of the streets. Bright sunshine and Christmas tree in the centre. I could live here. I truly could.

Love and peace.