Yes Sir

19/12/12

Spending getting on for 26 hours in airports and in the air gives a girl a lot of thinking time. Dangerous you might think, particularly if paired up with the kindle including a book on mindfulness.

France in some ways was not a positive experience and I came out of it with a bit of a feeling of disgust with myself. My mind gets stuck in spirals, where I try to solve a perceived problem but can't, generally because the thing isn't even a problem. This can go on for days, absorbing me in a pattern of unresolving discomfort. It ain't good.

Mindfulness is interesting. A bit like the French phrase books which reminded me of how much I already had stached in my brain from French O level. Mindfulness reminds me of my Quaker upbringing, and it feels very much a simple reminder of tools I used to have but which now need sharpening or bringing back into use. And because I have the time, I'm following the 8 week course the book suggests. It's about making a commitment to yourself. So the 8 minutes twice a day simple breathing meditation (which I also kind of remember from yoga classes) is taking place for this, the first week. If my brain starts to think of other things (non breathing things), I can simply dispassionately look at each thing, allocate it a sub heading and tell my brain it's OK, it's a feeling not a problem, and it doesn't need to be resolved, and in any case, the brain in “doing” problem solving mode probably just doesn't have the right drivers to be able to deal with the issue. Gently allow it to slip away and assume it will be transient or a conclusion will reach me without the problem solving Alison whittling away at it. It's hard, because I problem solve everything. I'm good at it. And I'm letting it go. Well, a bit.

The sub titles make me smile. I am unkind to myself. The sub titles tend to be “picking at scabs”, “pre-living”, “agitating”, but also encouragingly there's “happy planning” and “contented recollections”.

The “yes Sir” heading is because this is about being fully present in your life. School registers calling insisted you responded yes sir or indeed yes ma'am when your name was called, indicating you are present. And in New Zealand, I am absolutely bloody determined to be present in my own life. Maybe not 100%, but as much as I can muster. This is a once in a lifetime trip, and I've thought about it for 25 years. What I make of it, what I do has to be led by me, and me alone, not that thing of what other people will think or going through the motions. It has to be mine or instead of being something I did after dreaming about for half a lifetime, it will become an opportunity I let slip. It's about me, and for this reason, I confess, I'm minimising the social network details so I don't believe I'm being in any way judged for my choices. I'm doing it. I'm being me, and I'm present in my life.

Yes Sir, reporting in.